I will premise this like all of my posts;
I welcome feedback & advice of any sort, I think we can all learn/share with one another & in turn make life better :)
I also tend to ramble……
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost 2yrs, life is getting hard.
He wants to talk about moving in together, which I welcome as its his idea & Ive lived alone for the last 14 yrs. its scary but I am really in love with him. In turn it offers me worry & concern that I cannot express nor do I fully know how to deal with……I have sought help [professional/friends] but clearly I have trouble being open, when I do I spill out everything, cry & feel insane….however, sitting with negative spiraling obsessive thoughts IS NOT the answer.
I fear commitment, not like long term but getting into a long term relationship where I lose myself or cannot escape if I fear my self is in emotional distress. I lived with my bf in the yrs prior to living alone, in fact the last guy I lived with created the fears I have going forward.
As much as I dont want to dwell on the past it has traumatized me into my fear, mostly due to unresolved worry but mostly, becasue I do not have a support system.
My parents are wonderful people but when asked for advice they say sorry, they cannot and will not involve themselves in talks of love. its pretty shitty but thats how it is. I didnt have a very good relationship with them in my youth.
I do not have close friends, I have acquaintances but no one solid. I find that as I get older its hard to connect, people have kids, lives or work that doesnt relate or do they make time to come visit. I dont feel the need to chase them but gosh does it hurt. It mostly feels like I’m not a good person or lacking some quality that I should know of so I can work on it in the future.
I have more male friends than female, its mostly due to where I work and what i like to do, gym life, sports, art, riding bikes, live metal & hip hop music or just going out to do nothing but hike……I am not into nails, hair or shopping, not that I dont like them but its not my style & actually, that costs money I dont have.
I do not have female friends, I have tried over the years but they for whatever reason, do not stay. i dont recall having sleepover with makeup or doing hair. I have never been in a wedding party. Ive never been out on a girls night. I have never been to a bachelorette party. I dont know ‘girl power’ or being part of a female sport team where we all like being friends on/off the feild. I dont know how to feel sexy or feel sexy in a group….I always feel like a guy in a dress or frumpy or uptight. I feel like I would be far more confident if I had female support or had more in life….I always feel like Im not in touch with my girl side & always stuck in the mens team [which is fine but Im not gay & I am a girl]
I am sad because I am facing insecurity issues and confidence issues that in turn, greatly grate on my relationship. They are almost all in my head, maybe not but I have nbot found the courage to express them, I had before but he told me it make me sound needy & insecure & he said it facing the tv and dismissed me…….I dont dare present my thoughts without fully thinking them out.
I cannot tell him how I feel completely in case it creates more issues. I know that this is shitty grounds for a relationship as emotions & feelings play a giant part in love and lasting love. He also has issues but I feel that we can work together to fix them…but we need a common ground.